Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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