any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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