And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize