Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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