my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize