There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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