Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
