Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
