when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
