Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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