Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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