I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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