at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I'm having to shit out rocks
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
