I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
