Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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