Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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