Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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