and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
