So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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