just survived the first fart of the relationship.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
