i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
