So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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