i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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