M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
