if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize
