Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
