I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
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