i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
