I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
