I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I am naked and annoyed.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize