Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize