I just cut my nipple shaving
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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