tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
