If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
