Dude my mom stole all your condoms
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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