I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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