he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
