nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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