I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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