there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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