when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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