I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
