Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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