I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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