i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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