shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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