goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
