This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize