Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
