i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize