spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
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