Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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