Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Everclear isn't food dammit
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
