Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize