he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize