you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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