I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
