I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
