i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
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you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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